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Gaddafi in Hiding

"There's a Mr. Gaddafi on the phone asking for some tips on Hide and Seek..."

UK "A" Level Results Best Ever (Again)

"Take it down, it makes me look stupid."

Actor Depardieu Urinated on Plane Floor

"Imagine what he would have done if he'd been in Economy Class."

Record-Breaking Rail Fare Rises

"We accept payment by cash, card and an arm and a leg."

UK Courts to "Disregard Normal Sentencing" for Rioters

"I only went in to clean the court and I got three years hard labour."

UK Prime Minister to Confront "Moral Collapse"

"Looking forward to the new series of X-Factor, does not mean I've suffered a moral collapse."

Police Close in on Rioters

"The picture on the TV we looted is brilliant. It feels so real..."

UK Riots & Looting

"Funny how it's the only shop that wasn't looted..."

UK Riots Spread

"Our town will be fine. After the recession, we've hardly got any shops left to loot."